God says, “love your neighbor,” but that doesn’t mean let your neighbor walk all over you. Likewise, God says, “Respect your parents,” but that doesn’t mean they can forever interfere with every aspect of your life. Healthy relationships have boundaries to clarify expectations and establish healthy patterns of behavior. If setting boundaries in a relationship is new to you, you may benefit from these 10 rules.
The Rule of Cause and Effect
You will suffer the overdraft charges if you overdraft on your bank account. That is the law of cause and effect. You are not responsible for other people’s mistakes or lapses in judgment. You can have sympathy. You can even help them out on occasion. But do this too often, and you will find yourself trying to override this vital rule that God built into the universe. That’s not good for you or them.
The Rule of Responsibility
Jesus said, “Love your neighbor.” But that does not negate individual responsibility. You can care for, serve and be generous to others. But each person still has responsibilities of their own. For example, you can buy your friend lunch, but you are not responsible for providing their meals as a general rule.
The Rule of Empowerment
Nobody can do everything. But everybody can do something. Good relationships keep this in mind. You may not be super tech savvy, but you shouldn’t run to your computer engineer friend whenever you have tech issues. Instead, try to figure out some on your own. Do what you can. Ask for help when you need it.
The Rule of Respect
Treat others as you would want to be treated. In other words, respect others! If someone doesn’t want your help, respect that. If your friend wants to stay home and binge-watch their favorite show, then that is their decision. Sometimes being a good friend means respecting a decision you may disagree with.
The Rule of Motivation
Ask yourself why when you offer your time, energy, or resources to another person. Are you doing this so they will like you? Do you fear their disapproval or anger? Are you just trying to buy credit with God? If you are being generous for selfish reasons, you have missed the point of generosity. A reasonable boundary means that you give only when you can do so with joy and love.
The Rule of Evaluation
You are setting a boundary if you decide you will not go out drinking every Friday night with your friends. But that boundary will affect those relationships. You should sympathize with and take responsibility for those effects. You shouldn’t change your limits because of how others may feel, but that doesn’t mean you should be cold and callous.
The Rule of Proactivity
Using the example above, you may have decided that binge drinking on the weekend is causing negative consequences in your life. Choosing to stop this behavior for those reasons is reactive boundary setting. That is a good starting point. But what do you want to replace that time with? If the weekends are no longer about drinking, then what are they for? Again, this is proactive boundary setting. It can lead to healthier boundaries that you can keep and find joy in.
The Rule of Envy
Be wary of setting boundaries that aim to replicate or avoid what you see someone else has. You should aim for God’s best purpose for you, not someone else. For example, avoiding your friend because they just got married and you are jealous is not a healthy boundary.
The Rule of Activity
Just because something is happening does not mean you need to be a part of it. You do not need to attend every party you are invited to. Consider taking the initiative yourself. Rather than viewing boundaries as things you are just saying no to, ask what you would like to invite other people into. Be active in your boundary setting.
The Rule of Exposure
Boundaries are meaningless if nobody knows they exist. A good boundary is a communicated boundary. Share with others the decisions you are making in your life.
Healthy relationships depend on healthy boundaries. As counterintuitive as it sounds, healthy boundaries can actually give you an elevated sense of freedom both as an individual and in your relationships. These rules, when applied, can grant you the freedom you need to love the people in your life even better.
For more on this topic, read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.