(Photo source: Jen Palmer via Unsplash.com)
(Photo source: Jen Palmer via Unsplash.com)

I’m going to be brutally honest today. The things I say might sound contradictory to things I’ve said before, but it’s not that I was lying to you then; it’s that I was lying to myself. But I’m going to try not to do that anymore.

I met with my counselor Tina (have I talked about how incredible Tina is yet? She’s the best), and we had a real heart to heart about a lot of things.

For one, I finally told someone how desperate I am.

Desperate for love. Desperate to fall in love and be fallen in love with. Desperate, in that terrible, unattractive, wrinkle-your-nose-up-in-scorn kind of way.

Anything you might hear about how ugly it is when women are desperate for love, about how much of a turn-off it is, anything negative you hear describing desperation for love — that’s me. That’s how I feel.


I finally told someone how desperate I am.


I’ve tried to hide it for so long. I hid it from myself as much as I hid it from the world, so when I wrote an article about how it’s OK to never have been kissed…I was being sincere. As sincere as I could be, without knowing how deep my desperation went.

So yes, I met with Tina and told her about my desperation.

I mentioned that one of the reasons I’m so desperate for this romantic love from a man is because, yes, I’ll admit, I believe it will add worth to my life.

There’s this deep-seated belief somewhere in the pit of my heart that if someone is never loved romantically, there must be something wrong with him or her.

Tina asked me, point-blank, “If there was a 70-year-old man who’d never married or been in a relationship, would you think there was something wrong with him?”

I hated that my answer was, “Yes.”

know that that’s false, that there’s really nothing wrong with someone who’s never been fallen in love with, and that our worth doesn’t come from those who love us. Rather, that our worth doesn’t come from humans who love us.

But do I believe that? Absolutely not.

On the one hand, I blame myself, because this is a belief I’ve fostered and nurtured for the past 20-some years.

On the other hand, I think it’s a product of the books I read. I read so many books, and none of them ended with the heroine alone. Either someone finally came around and saw her for the beautiful, personality-full person she was, or she changed herself and then, *bam!* a boy loved her.

I was brought up in the belief that romantic love was the end-all and be-all of love. Is it any wonder, then, that I believe that’s true to this day?

All I have to live off of is my own experience, and in my experience, guys haven’t liked me. And honestly, I’ve fallen head over heels for many boys and they either don’t see me at all, or only see me as a friend.

So, I’m desperate because I doubt I will find love. I’m heartsick over that.

I try to hide this as much as possible, but one of the deepest, truest desires of my heart is to be loved and to have a relationship, an engagement, a marriage. As Proverbs says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” And I am filled with sorrow.

Again, I know in my head that all of this isn’t true. I don’t know how to make myself believe it, though.

I do know that I don’t want any other girls to grow up like this. I want the world to have stories of girls just like me: girls who are desperate for love and never get it. A teenager who never gets the guy, and she never will. And she’ll be OK.

Because in the end, I know I’ll be OK, too. Yes, I desire love. I desire to be loved, and I’m human, so I desire to be kissed and have sex and be held. I am full of sorrow because that isn’t the case. And I’m desperate, sometimes dangerously so, to make it happen.


But somewhere deep inside me is this tiny seed of knowledge that romantic love really isn’t the definition of worth.


But somewhere deep inside me is this tiny seed of knowledge that romantic love really isn’t the definition of worth. The knowledge that the 70-year-old man I mentioned before does have something to offer, and just because no woman was able to see it does not mean it isn’t the truth.

I know this not because of an imaginary man, but because of the men and women I know and love who aren’t married, and because I know how beautiful and valuable they are.

If they’re valuable, then maybe, just maybe, so am I.

This is my honest piece, my confession to you: I am desperate. Ugly-desperate. But I am willing to work through it, to find worth in others and myself. I am willing to believe that my value comes from God and His love for me, which is sure and boundless.

Even if He never chooses to demonstrate it through a man’s love —

That last sentence is unfinished because it was so painful to write. It’s physically and mentally hard for me to say that it’ll be OK, because I want, so much, to be loved.

But I’m going to continue to say it, to simply repeat the truth until I believe it.

So here goes: even if God never chooses to demonstrate His love through a man’s…I will be OK. I will be worthwhile. I am valuable. Amen.

Karis is a grad student at NYU in New York City. Her writing has appeared online with Seventeen as well as Good Housekeeping. She blogs at karisrogerson.com. To stay informed about all her writing, sign up here.


For another story about searching for love, watch our new White Chair Film:

One thought on “Confession: I’m terribly desperate for love

  1. Lu at 7:24 pm
    Lu

    Your story and words are mine exactly, but I hate to tell you that I am 60 now, and still feeling this. But I can definitely say that it is much better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I married someone at the age of 28 who never really loved me and I felt unloved and unwanted the entire marriage until he finally left me 23 years later. He found someone and I am still alone 9 years later. I really thought I would meet someone once I was out of that unhappy marriage, almost as a silver lining to all the years of misery and loneliness but no.

    I never get the guy. I tried to look at the reasons why I am alone.
    I worked on myself and even got to almost the best possible version I could be with a lot of hard work, prayer, introspection, counseling, friendship and guidance and I still couldn’t get the guy. I was fitter, healthier, even prettier. I worked on my career, took courses, read so many self help books too. Tried to fix myself, accept myself, build my confidence, be nicer, humble myself and create a stable secure life for myself. I did achieve many of these goals but, to no avail. I have good friends, family and a good job, home etc. but no man!

    I’ve fallen for 4 guys over the 9 years since my divorce. We only became friends. They are now with much prettier, smarter, wittier, fun, outgoing and beautiful women. We never got out of the friendship zone.
    Honestly, I choose out of my league but I can’t make myself like someone who I’m not interested in. And it isn’t about looks either. If it could happen, I would try to make it happen but I can’t force feelings that I don’t have.
    And boy, did I ever act desperate with them. I initiated almost all the texts. I knew they really weren’t interested but because they showed some politeness and friendliness I wanted to believe it will happen for me. I even spilled my heart out to them. I’m ashamed of who I am as a women.

    Also, no men notice me or are attracted to me. I’m overweight again and I need to go back to counseling to help myself. I joined a hiking group for singles in my age group 2 years ago and one guy that I was interested in became interested in someone else. Same old story.

    I also am desperate, lonely, sad and my heart hurts with this emptiness. And as you said, the thought of true romance never happening is so so depressing.
    Your story is like mine…unrequited love. For me it started at the age of 15 on. I have never had my feelings returned, even in my marriage! I just always hoped he would change and fall in love with me and see me as someone desirable and valuable but he never did.

    Most of all, I feel the same way about God’s love for us all. I know I am valuable in 1000 ways and God’s plans for me are to prosper me and give me the desires of my heart. I also want to focus on that but need to work on somehow removing the deep pit of loneliness in me. I do believe prayers work and offer peace and guidance and miracles!

    I look at it like I messed up God’s plan for me. He gave me so much and so many opportunities to have true love and happiness but I made very bad decisions for my life and choose poorly. I listened to myself rather than to Him. I only wanted what I wanted rather than seek God and His guidance. In other words, I totally messed up my own life and all the blessings that were given to me.

    I still need to believe that my soulmate is out there. It’s so hard to think it just won’t ever happen. I can’t believe I survived this long without true love in my life, without someone to care for and to care for me. It actually amazes me that I function in spite of never being loved romantically. I still pray for it. And it’s the reason I came across your blog. I’m looking for support, guidance, help. Your words meant a lot to me. I was able to identify. But you are so young. You do have a life ahead of you and you already know so much and are seeking God for guidance. You will get there.
    Good luck to you and thank you.
    I look forward to reading about your thoughts. Don’t give up and don’t quit!

    Sincerely,
    Lu

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