Cast of ’80s television show ‘Saved by the Bell” (photo source: NBC)
If you want some good relationship advice, especially for marriage, listen to the wisdom of Mr. Belding, the principal from the classic show, “Saved by the Bell.”
A couple of weeks ago, I was explaining to my daughter what was popular when I was a teen, and the iconic 80s television show came up in the conversation as an example. We frantically began searching Netflix. And they were there! I felt like singing “I’m so excited!” (See the “Caffeine Pill” episode to get that reference.) So, for the last three weeks,“Saved by the Bell”is all my daughter and I have watched.
On a recent episode, Mr. Belding was giving Zach and Slater (two of the main characters, if you haven’t seen the show) some relationship advice by explaining why he and Mrs. Belding had longevity in their marriage.
“When you young men mature, you’ll learn that relationships are an exercise in understanding, trust and compromise,” Mr. Belding explained.
I began to think about this, and if I could go back to 1992 and give myself marriage advice, I would play this episode for myself — because it was only three years later that I was standing at the altar saying “I do” to things I didn’t know how to do. If you’re considering marriage, or even if you’re already 20 years in, like I am, let’s break down Mr. Belding’s sage-like advice and mine the truth in it.
The definition of understanding is a “friendly or harmonious relationship; an agreement of opinion or feeling: adjustment of differences.” When my wife and I were first married, we thought that because we were madly in love with each other, it would naturally produce a “harmonious relationship.” Now, while chemistry may bring a couple together, the elements that make up understanding are what will keep that relationship or marriage together. I’ve learned a simple way to tell if I’m being understanding is by how much I’m talking, versus how much I’m listening. It’s nearly impossible to be understanding when you’re talking. True understanding in a marriage starts with being a great listener.
I’ve learned a simple way to tell if I’m being understanding is by how much I’m talking, versus how much I’m listening.
I came across this quote recently and, while it’s a bit cheesy, it’s still really true: “A relationship with no trust is like a cell phone with no service — all you can do is play games.” Who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone playing a game that guarantees that the couple loses every time? Trust is the bedrock of any relationship, and that is most true in a marriage. I’ve heard it said, “Trust can be built over the course of a marriage but lost in a moment.” Trust keeps a marriage strong, but if trust is mishandled, it can break very easily. One of the best ways to build and protect trust is to value truth and speak the truth, in love. A Biblical proverb says, “Truthful words stand the test of time, but lies are soon exposed.” Fight for and protect trust and honesty at all costs. Without trust, there’s only questions with no satisfying answers.
Fight for and protect trust and honesty at all costs.
Compromise is the “multi-tool” of relationships: It works for small jobs and big ones. Compromise keeps adults from devolving into children when differences present themselves. We are naturally wired to want our own way, but within a marriage, if done right, deferring to one another has a way of sanding down our selfishness — and compromise is the sandpaper. Compromise says, “I value the other person in this marriage more than my desire to have my own way” — and yet it is one of the most difficult but powerful ways to say, “I love you.”
As someone who will celebrate their twenty-first wedding anniversary this December, I write this post as someone who hasn’t always been understanding, trustworthy, or willing to compromise. But I’ve determined to spend the rest of my life learning to be those things for my wife.
I’m sure there are better sources other than 80s teen shows to get marriage advice, but you have to take truth and apply it, regardless of where it comes in.
Kudos, Mr. Belding!
For more wise advice on marriage, watch this short film:
I usually laugh when people leave rude comments on my articles online. Like the man who commented, “man chicks r stupid” on a recent Seventeen magazine piece I published. I laughed because of the irony of his inability to use correct grammar as he was insulting my intelligence, and because I know that he is, in fact wrong: not all “chicks” are stupid.
But instead of laughing at the negative feedback about my latest I Am Second piece, I was slightly — what’s the best word? — offended, horrified, angered…the comments people left made me want to respond.
I’m trying not to respond in anger or defensiveness, and I’m trying to look at the comments as simple misunderstandings rather than attacks against me, personally. But it’s hard, as some people called my article “unreadable” or said my feelings were “laughable” because of my age.
That’s right. My age. Something I have literally zero control over apparently makes my thoughts irrelevant and my emotions a joke. A few commenters in their 40s said that I had no right to consider myself “painfully” single because I’m only 22.
I don’t know what it was like growing up in the 80s, but I do know what it was like growing up in the ‘00s. I know that every book I picked up, every TV show, and every movie I watched was saturated with romance. Starting as young as middle and high school, every form of entertainment that I consumed told me that the best way to be human is to be in a relationship.
They taught me that being romantically loved by another person is everything.
As I mentioned in the article in question, my bread-and-butter were Christian novels — historical fiction and romance, namely. And those taught me that if a girl is pretty enough, clever enough, smiley enough, she will get a guy. They taught me that reciprocated love is the highest goal to strive for. They taught me that being romantically loved by another person is everything.
Movies and TV are no better. There is romance interwoven throughout every story it seems, even the ones that aren’t about romance. Chick flicks are one thing; but even action shows have romance. “Star Wars,” “Lord of the Rings” — they show people being in relationships.
I know that my childhood was saturated with images of love and romance. I know my friends started dating in elementary school — I’m sure of this because I was the one delegated to pass their “love notes” between them. First kisses and dates were had before adolescence.
Except for me. I was the odd one out who didn’t have boyfriends or kisses or admirers. I had crushes on others, constantly. But nothing ever panned out.
I know that it’s harder to be permanently single at 45 than at 22. But I take issue with the idea that my relationship status can’t be “painful” because I’m “only” 22. Because here’s the thing — 22 might be young, but it’s the oldest I’ve ever been. Your twenties might look like the very beginning of your life when you’re 80, but when you’re 20, they are all you’ve ever known.
I have been alive for 22 years. The entirety of my consciousness has lasted 22 years. But because that’s all I’ve known, that’s an eternity to me.
I understand that older people might look down and see me as a young little bud, barely alive at all, with so much possibility in front of me. (By the way, doesn’t one of the most popular books ever written talk about people looking down on you because you’re young?)
So, no, maybe my singleness isn’t “painful” compared to yourself, but it is painful to me.
But all I know is what I’ve experienced, and that is this: 22 years of being undesirable to men. So, no, maybe my singleness isn’t “painful” compared to yourself, but it is painful to me.
Someone commented that most people in the church aren’t with someone at 22, and in response to that, I laughed. I laughed a lot.
Because that might be true in some places — it is in Italy, where I grew up and where finding fellow Christians is like finding a needle in a haystack. But it’s not true in American church culture.
I went to a Christian undergrad, and a huge, disproportionate chunk of my classmates were either married by the time they graduated or were married within a few months of graduation. If not, they were in relationships. If not, they had been in relationships.
The church is the place in culture where people are “with someone” by age 22, usually.
Our culture is saturated with romance, our Christian culture even more so.
And finally — the point of the article wasn’t that I’m single. It was that God’s love is the greatest romance. I just decided to share that through the lens of my realization that being single is okay.
That was the point. That being single is okay, whether you’re 22 or 47 or 89. It’s not something I’m okay with in every moment of every day, but it’s something I’m becoming aware of. That’s what I wanted to communicate.
I’m sorry if my ruminations on being single got in the way of that.
Karis is a grad student at NYU in New York City. Her writing has appeared online with Seventeen as well as Good Housekeeping. She blogs at karisrogerson.com.
If you’re struggling with thoughts of self-harm, there is hope. You can call 1-800-273-TALK to chat with someone about it. For a list of other resources, visit the website of To Write Love on Her Arms here.
That’s the question we’re trying to figure out. If you’re reading this, you probably either follow us on social media or you like visiting our website. Since that’s the case, we want to get to know you!
We want to learn the kinds of things you like. What you want to see more of. How you grew up. Where you’re at in life. If you prefer Facebook or Instagram. Those kinds of things.
We’re hoping you can take five minutes and answers the questions below. There aren’t many, but it will help us put together the kind of website that you want to visit.
Thank you so much!
Find the survey below if you’re on a desktop, or by clicking here if you’re on mobile.
Do Christians need to avoid certain types of music? Should they read lyrics before they start humming a catching tune in the shower? What about Justin Bieber talking about the Christian faith? Is it different for different people?
Those are a few of the questions we tackled in our first-ever I Am Second podcast. Joe Hamm, Lucy Allen, and I sat down to talk it out. Give it a listen, and if you have questions, thoughts, or suggestions for other topics use #secondpodcast on Twitter to reach us.
Let’s be real for a second. I think the best way to start is to be blunt: Stop being so freaking offended.
I spend a lot of time reading social media and web comments. I try to keep my pulse on what people are saying, thinking, and wanting. I did it for five years in the news business, and it continues here. Here’s my big takeaway: We are way too focused on being wronged.
I see it so much: One person disagrees with someone or something, and it becomes some knock-out-drag-out literary battle, using words and arguments taken from a fifth-grade playground. Oh, and of course there is some scripture thrown in there.
“We live in a culture of offense. In both public and private, people are always on the watch for some statement or group — somewhere — whose ideas might possibly run counter to their own,” writes Lucy Schouten.
Preach it, Lucy.
Christianity is countercultural in its DNA.
I hope I’m not the first one to say this to you, but here it goes: As Christians, we should expect that there are going to be a lot of ideas that run counter to our own. Christianity is countercultural in its DNA. We need to be uncomfortable in a society that tells us comfort is the ultimate goal.
Well, that’s exactly why I need to tell this person that what they’re doing is wrong! Their sin is so offensive to me! I’m showing them I’m different!
Are you, though? Ask yourself this question, “Have I earned the right to speak into this person’s life?”
Jesus could have been “offended” by a cheating woman’s actions, taken up a stone, and joined the mob who just couldn’t stand what she did. But he didn’t. He bent down, wrote in the sand, and told her to be on her way — and by the way, stop doing what you’re doing. Obviously his approach took care of what the mob’s didn’t.
Talk about countercultural.
But even Jesus overturned the tables in the temple! He got angry at sin!
Yeah, you’re right, he did. But take a look at that story. Who was Jesus angry at? It was those who were using faith to benefit themselves. Those who were taking advantage of the temple instead of using it for its true purpose.
“Survey those to whom Jesus directed His strongest, most severe words,” write Leonard Sweet and Frank Viola. “It was the self-righteous, judgmental Pharisees and Sadducees—those who didn’t see themselves as sinners but who leveled that charge against everyone else.”
Allow me to contextualize that: Those who see themselves as the Christianity police, always on the prowl to point out how everyone else isn’t living up to their standards. And technology makes that so easy and accessible. Think about it, 20 years ago you never would have known what Jason S. was thinking or doing 2,000 miles away. Now you see it the moment he hits enter on his keyboard.
You may not be able to convince someone Christ is the answer right away, but your words and actions can quickly and easily convince them that he’s not.
In our lives, our attitude shouldn’t be looking for wrongs, it should be looking for ways we can make things right in the world. How can we restore brokenness? How can I be different in this situation? We need to stop focusing on beingright and start thinking about how to make things right. We need to stop focusing on how to win arguments, and start focusing on how to win people.
So ask yourself this, “Is writing this snarky comment really going to be the one thing that changes this person’s mind? Is sending this Tweet and attaching #truth really the best representation of it?”
The early church was focused on relationships, on “how to stir up one another to love and good works.” People were selling their possessions and giving the money away. Can you really convey that Christianity in 140 angry characters?
Think about it this way: You may not be able to convince someone Christ is the answer right away, but your words and actions can quickly and easily convince them that he’s not.
And you know what? I don’t care if that offends you.
Recientemente, me senté en un confortable sillón con mi café favorito en la mano y con un equipo de trabajo. Trabajamos en un ejercicio que trata de sugerir adjetivos que mejor describan a los adolescentes en el 2015. Como grupo, surgieron palabras como “superficial”, “piensan en sí mismos”, “desentendido”.
Lo entendí, muchos dijeron lo mismo de mi generación y de mí. Seamos honestos. Todo lo que se tiene que hacer es navegar a través de Instagram y darse cuenta que esta generación no solamente ha inventado el “Selfie”, también ha perfeccionado el arte de eso. El término “Selfie” puede apoyar las percepciones generales y dirigirnos a la suposición de lo que trata esa generación.
Eschenbach dijo, “En la juventud aprendemos, en la adultez entendemos”. He trabajado con adolescentes desde hace más de una década. La sociedad muchas veces marca a esa generación como la del “Selfie”. Sin embargo, he aprendido que hay mucho más debajo de la superficie que miran nuestros ojos. Hay ciertas cosas clave que podemos aprender de los adolescentes que podrían inspirar al mundo a #Vivir Segundo.
5 Cosas por aprender de los adolescentes
1. Está bien no estar bien.
Esta generación, más que otras anteriores, celebra y motiva a admitir el “no estoy bien”. Muchas personas sienten esta presión para presentarnos en una manera que dice “yo estoy bien”. La verdad es que todos tenemos “asuntos”. Los adolescentes aceptan esta realidad.
2. La justicia importa.
Una vez Kurt Cobain dijo, “el deber de la juventud es desafiar la corrupción”. Los adolescentes tienen una gran sensibilidad por la injusticia. Ya sea por el bullying, racismo, sexismo, pobreza o por tráfico de sexo, esta generación no se sacude la cabeza con estos retos. Al contrario, ellos alzan su voz, creatividad y esfuerzo para hacerle frente a las injusticias en su mundo.
3. El valor de la comunidad
Los adolescentes valoran conocer a otros y ser conocidos. Las relaciones importan. Los adolescentes ven la comunión como algo necesario y lo cultivan intencionalmente, tanto en persona como por internet.
4. Celebra la singularidad
Nuestra sociedad crea etiquetas y categorías a prácticamente todo. Esta generación tiene cierto disgusto por las etiquetas y celebra la singularidad de cada uno. Su manera de ser enseña a otros que nuestro trabajo no es rechazar o juzgar a quienes están en nuestro alrededor, sino amar a los demás por cómo son.
5. Pensamiento global
La definición de un movimiento es “un grupo de personas trabajando juntas para promover su ideal político, social o ideas artísticas”. Los movimientos están catalizados para cambiar. Mientras los adolescentes celebran la individualidad, tienen un deseo para ser parte de algo más grande.
Una mirada más allá de los “selfies”, revela características y valores en los adolescentes que pueden inspirar a otros a #VivirSegundo
Por David Martin
David Martin es el Director de Estudiantes de I Am Second (Yo Soy Segundo). Para aprender más de este movimiento nacional de estudiantes, dale click aquí.
Evansville, IN fue una vez calificada de #8 como la ciudad más miserable en América. Sin embargo, a través del movimiento de Yo Soy Segundo, los ciudadanos ahora brillan con esperanza. Aproximadamente más de 600 individuos del triestatal asistieron a Yo Soy Segundo Live en Evansville el 26 de Febrero.
Presentado por el autor bestseller del New York Times Eric Metaxas, Yo Soy Segundo Live también con la participación de concursante de American Idol Danny Gokey presentándose y hablando acerca de su experiencia personal con la transformación de la ciudad de Nashville a través de su fundación sin ánimo de lucro, Sophia’s Heart. Los músicos locales, Gina Moore y After Hours llevaron sus talentos a la velada junto con la personalidad de televisión Randy Moore y el artista de hip hop, Sean Little.
Un panel de discusión de cuatro líderes locales de Evansville moderado por Metaxas mostró el deseo de los ciudadanos de Evansville para unirse y transformar la ciudad. El panel protagonizado por el Director de Community One (Comunidad Uno) Eric Cummings, el Pastor Líder de la Iglesia de la ciudad Jeff Kinkade, el Pastor de la red One Life (Una Vida) Bret Nicholson y el gerente de la YMCA del Sureste de Indiana Derrick Stewart y resultó siendo un llamado para una gran unidad para servir a la ciudad.
El gran punto culminante de la noche fue el nuevo video de Yo Soy Segundo inspirado en Lindsay Schroer, la esposa del Detective de la Policía de Evansville, Nathan Schroer cuyo video fue estrenado por Yo Soy Segundo el año pasado después de su muerte. En su video, Lindsay habla acerca de cómo la comunidad la ha apoyado desde la muerte de su esposo.
La comunidad de Evansville dejó el evento alentando que la ciudad #8 más miserable de la nación ya no lo era más. Unos pocos comentarios de los invitados coronando la noche:
“¡Magnífico trabajo ésta noche! ¡Que noche tan fabulosa para la unión de la ciudad!”
“… realmente fue un regalo estar ahí. ¡Fue una velada tan profesional y divertida!”
“Fue mi primer vistazo a lo que es Yo Soy Segundo y realmente tiene un mensaje poderoso que merece apoyo”
“El evento de Yo Soy Segundo Live me inspira de maneras que no puedo describir adecuadamente”
Evansville, IN was once noted as #8 most miserable city in America. But through the I am Second movement, the citizens now gleen with hope. Underscoring more than 600 individuals from the Tri-State attended I am Second Live in Evansville on February 26.
Hosted by New York Times bestselling author Eric Metaxas, I am Second Live also featured American Idol alum Danny Gokey performing and speaking about his personal experience with city transformation in Nashville through his non-profit, Sophia’s Heart. Local musicians Gina Moore and After Hours lent their talents to the evening along with television personality Randy Moore and hip-hop artist, Sean Little.
A panel discussion of four local leaders from Evansville moderated by Metaxas showcased a desire for citizens of Evansville to come together and transform the city. The panel featured Community One Executive Director Eric Cummings, City Church Lead Pastor Jeff Kinkade, One Life Network Lead Pastor Bret Nicholson and YMCA of Southwestern Indiana CEO Derrick Stewart and resulted in a call for greater unity in serving the city.
A big highlight of the night was a new I am Second-inspired film featuring Lindsay Schroer, the wife of the late Evansville Police Detective Nathan Schroer whose film was released by I am Second last year after his death. In her film Lindsay talked about how the community has embraced her since her husband’s death.
The community of Evansville left the event encouraged that America’s #8 most miserable city in the nation was no more. A few comments from the guests topped off the night:
“Great job tonight! What a great night for unity in the city!”
“… it was really a treat to be there. It was such a professional and fun evening!”
“It was my first real exposure to what I am Second is about and it certainly has a powerful message that deserves support.”
“The I am Second Live event inspired me in ways I cannot adequately describe.”
Peter was just “another kid” in the middle school where Ms. Penny-Lowe taught. One day he came to ask to use her theater arts room, one of the biggest in the school, for a meeting before classes began on Fridays.
He and some friends had met a couple times to watch and discuss I am Second films using our film discussion guides. Other students asked if they could join, too, so they needed a bigger place to meet.
Check out this short film about how that group grew into 140+ students meeting every Friday morning before school. Now starting their third year! With the leadership baton being handed off to different student leaders each year. Who are seeing their friends trust Christ. It’s crazy what God is doing at that public school.
Thanks for your partnership in the gospel. Your investment in I am Second makes it possible to provide resources to student leaders like Peter who want to help people encounter Jesus in unexpected places.
Executive Director / I am Second
P.S. Please forward this to a student leader, youth pastor or adult youth worker you know who might be interested in learning more about I am Second resources for students available at iamsecond.com/students.