15May, 2009

Dionne

  • I Am Second

Here’s a story that I thought needed to be shared:

On March 16, 2003 we had a son. He was 32 weeks, 4 lbs. 8oz. and the most most beautiful baby….perfect he seemed. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Conner Michael. But….he died. He was stillborn, or I like to say BORN STILL. STILL BORN….he was here. I held him in my arms, we dressed him and undressed him….cried….held him some more….cried….my life was forever changed. WE were forever changed. Our son was dead. Our precious little baby boy.

I spent the next year in a darkness that I had never known…wake up, get the kids to school, go back to bed, up at 2pm, greet them….back to bed….dinner? I think Mike took care of it a lot….Briana definitely kicked into “mature” gear….I was dying inside….sick with grief. I searched my dreams for him. I begged for “signs” that he was OK. Anything. Anything to know he was safe….in heaven? I don’t know, see I never really believed in heaven? God? What God? The God who took my baby away? The God who let me suffer years earlier through a violent crime, that I nearly was killed? That at the time wished I had been killed….What God? What God lead me through such trials as a teen, as a young adult…things you can’t even BEGIN to fathom…..there was surely no God on my side….no God watching out for me! And if there was, I seriously hated him.

About a month after his first birthday, my life slowly crumbling to nothing….I decided to end it. The grief consumed me….thoughts of him, where he was? Was he OK? I was so sick, mentally and physically, I just wanted the sadness, the sick feeling inside me to go away. I sent the kids off to school and wrote out several good-bye notes. One to Mike, my kids, my Mom, my dad….my siblings. I decided that this was it. I was going to kill myself. I took down Conner’s things from the hospital, his clothes….his little baby hat….the blanket he was wrapped in, his pictures….and I laid it all out in front of me on the floor and I laid across it, racking sobs filling the room….I screamed out,” WHERE ARE YOU??? GOD??? IF YOU EXIST, SHOW ME! IF YOU SEE ME, SEE ME GOING THROUGH THIS…..I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO BE WITH MY BABY! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! IF YOU EXIST…HELP ME!!! PLEASE, I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE, I JUST WANT TO SEE MY SON!” And I laid there sobbing until I puked….”Please help me God….”

Nothing seemed any different….no flashes of light….no booming thunder. I picked everything up, put my good-bye notes in individual envelopes and waited for my kids to get home so I could “say” good-bye.

My girls came home that afternoon and I hugged them and cried….they didn’t know what was wrong, just thought I’m sure that Mommy was having’ another “hard day.” They asked if we could walk to the park and I really did not feel like it, but it was a beautiful spring afternoon and I thought, why not….one last time…………..

We got to the park and I sat and watched them playing, laughing, so full of life…..I turned and saw a man approaching me….t-shirt, baseball cap, jeans….young guy….”Hi,” he said, “I am pastor Todd and my family and I just moved into the neighborhood and we are just looking for some insight into the community, as we are looking to open the church up across the street here.” (You can imagine the look on my face…I wanted to tell him to stick it where the sun don’t shine…) “I’m really not the one you need to be talking to, I don’t go to church, and I definitely don’t believe in God.” “Oh,” he said, “well, that’s OK, can you just answer some questions for me?” (I was like….COME ON GUY!) “I guess,” I sighed….well, the questions were my thoughts on God, Christianity….yada-yada….OH I gave it to him with both barrels on what I thought of GOD! I told him about losing a child the year before….nothing more, nothing less. Didn’t tell him it was a boy or a baby or any other info.

And he says…….”can I share a story with you?” “Sure.” I said.

“This woman came to me a couple months ago, and she had lost her baby. He was stillborn. Little boy….and she couldn’t understand why? He had looked so perfect to her…10 fingers, 10 toes….”

And I’m balling’ at this point…..

“….and she wanted to know if her baby was in heaven?”

(tears streamin’ down my face…..)

“…..and I assured her, that yes, he is. That he is in the arms of Jesus right now. He is safe.”

Hmmmmmm…..ok……..so, I tell him that we too lost a baby, a boy and that he was stillborn, OH and that I was planning on killing myself today. That I had I begged God for a sign…..an answer! I needed to know. CLEARLY.

And here it was….here He was….God was answering me.

I believe he sent one of his shepherds out to find one of his lost lambs.

I had never in my life felt the peace and warmth that I felt in that one moment standing there in the park, sobbing with a stranger. He saved my life. Jesus saved my life.

A year later I attended church (finally) and accepted Christ into my heart as my Lord and Savior and I have not looked back.

I have come SUCH a long way. From a beaten down 15 year old rape victim, that took so much away from me….I was dead inside. And then the grossest day of my life, losing my baby.  I have been put to the test, knocked down and pulled straight back up again….doubted Him, cursed Him, TESTED Him!  And He is right there every time holding out His hand, saying “take my hand child,” “this way….”

And yes….I do believe everything happens for a reason….that took me a long time to say.
Conner brought me to Christ. I believe he was an angel….he wasn’t meant for this earth. God had greater plans for Him. He had greater plans for me and everyone who’s life Conner touched. I wouldn’t be who I am today, living my life as a witness to Christ.

I am so fired up for Christ right now and he is doing AMAZING things in my life!!
Each day gets better…brighter…
He is the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE!!!  (and I am Second!)